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Whatever Happens, I’ll Leave It All To Chance

3 Sep

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Tonight my friends daughter was calling for me through the house. I came around the corner and she goes “Did you dream about your wedding when you were young?” I told her that I did, I told her that I dreamed of a long blowy dress, being married outside, walking down the isle to John Denver with my dad, and saying I do surrounded by family and friends.

Thankfully, that all happened. Then she asked me when I knew that I wanted to marry Harold and when he was the one. Isn’t that a silly question? Well, it took me a second, because it really wasn’t silly. On the outside it looked like he proposed, I said yes, and several months later I walked down the isle to my best friend and we were happy ever after, the birds sang, the clouds opened, and we were eternally bound. The answer I gave was no where near that simple.

I’m going to write this because I hope that someday my kids see it, my friends see it, and it gives clarity as to why I said yes at such a crazy time in my life to commit to something that was so big.

Harold and I had been learning so much about each other at such a fast rate. We were in an incredibly tense time in our relationship in which I was learning that walking away and shutting the door wasn’t the answer, that you need to learn what other people like and grow instead of just moving on. He was learning that I am insane and sometimes I’m just bananas, but that it comes from a good place and I want to help people. I was listening to God so much during that time. I remember spending nights just asking for help. I was so stressed from my job, and I was young. I was in a relationship that came with an instant family and instant responsibilities that stretch way beyond the skills I had learned as a babysitter.

Then I heard exactly what God wanted me to hear. It made sense. In all other times in my life, when I wasn’t happy, or it didn’t suit me, I just turned around. I felt like it was their fault, their problem, but this time I wasn’t walking away, and I actually cared. There was no blaming past experiences for making me that way, or changing myself from the core to be what they wanted and it not working out because it was a superficial false costume. I wanted to better myself, to be the best person that I could be, for him, for me, for everyone. I figured out that walking away would never make it better. It would just make it happen again, but I wouldn’t want to stay the next time, or the time after that. I heard the word of Him, and He asked if I would ever go through this for anyone else, and I knew the answer.

I wouldn’t.

That’s it. I knew. I was in it for the long haul. That was November, and then magically he proposed a month later, and completely caught me off guard. Harold had even bought the ring during the time of my mini revelation. I believe in fate, soul mates, the greater good, and everything falling into place. It takes time, it takes work, but it happens.

Plus, if you really want to get to the nitty gritty, one time before Harold and I were even friends, he offered me a ride once when I was walking home from work. I said no, I don’t accept rides from strangers. He asked me repeatedly because it was so cold out, and I kept saying no and walking. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I said yes. It doesn’t matter though, he still would have wound up being my husband.

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